A mumbled toast
stammered out on wine-breath as we meet at the well --
Rylee's hands, shaking from the dark merlot.
Hand in hand, that holy kiss,
a sacred incantation redeeming the mundane.
Where she's never been I will lead her:
a jester from the pit come to play charades.
Her kissing breath smells of lilies
white as water from the silver basin.
She says she's never bitten from the flame;
As I bite her lips, she tastes the fruit
her zealous anger smacks of divinity.
Through the storm I utter impieties,
dazzling as lightning, those first words of rebellion
anointing her virgin brow with lust.
A thief treading softly cannot startle the waiting,
and there is no shame in her delight,
no fear in her first embrace.
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140,570 Literary Works • 673,474 Reviews
Very Shakespearean, you should do more of this. This suits you well. Not much to critique, just thought I'd give you my thoughts.
I see what you did there
.
.Anyways, this intrigued me mostly because of the description you chose for it. I realize that might seem silly but some people love keeping the mystery alive. That sort of 'take what you will. I'll say nothing if you say nothing' sort of aspect especially when it comes to something as sensual as this piece. It could be rather poetic as a whole without one thinking of the actual purpose.
But you choose to reveal that. I guess I'm sort of surprised, mostly.
Anyways, as it goes, the poem definitely had some beautiful aesthetics and or imagery, but the intent is not well-hidden. Its almost as if you wished to describe the delight in shame as is what is normally felt by using juxtaposing images like the jester and the pure virgin, or the wine-ridden breath and the breath of white lilies. All very harsh contrasts in retrospect.
But the intent was sort of lackluster in comparison with the imagery. The topic did not expel any real emotion other than the emotion in which would and should come with such a moment. Its not overly, shall we say, personal? Which made this poem more of a story than anything else. A moment in which to say 'this is what happened, and here's some pretty metaphors to put it across'. Without that sort of connection between yourself and the topic, the topic in itself because superficial. Boring. Other than the imagery, it was quite honestly a bit boring.
You have a fantastic way with words, though, which I will admit freely. Quite the delicate way of touching on such a subject. A bit too 1500's for my tastes but, of course, that is purely up to you which images you would like to encompass the topic at hand. And it was pretty. A very pretty poem.
I particularly liked;
There is something rather interesting about this sort of priestess imagery. Delicate, which is a nice change in contemporary poetry.
Anyways, if you have any questions about this review, feel free to PM me and I'll be more than willing to explain myself!
~Walker
Wow. This is a very well written piece and I don't see anything that needs to be fixed. i had a little trouble understanding it at first but by the time I got to the end I was shocked as there is so much beauty in these few lines. I really enjoy the way you have written this, as though it has been written from the point of view as though someone is in love. I really liked it. Great job.
~WW